You know how you get those beauty contests online and magazines? The ones where home-grown honeys or hot chics are suppose to send pictures of themselves IF THEY QUALIFY? Well you always get those selected few whose parents always told them they were beautiful, but the rest of the world does not think so. Now you be the judge!
The Pro-ravings team present to you - GOEFFEL OF THE MONTH FOR MARCH 2009
(Click on to enlarge the image)
And to test the definitions which were outlined for a goeffel in our last post. Please tell us how you feel when you see the following picture? Remember if you get that sick feeling, then she is a SUPER GOEFFEL!!!
How do you feel? Nauseous? Wish you had never checked the blog? Welcome friends to the concept of goeffel and super goeffel. Thanks to our GOEFFEL OF THE MONTH!
--> In the words of Nelson from the Simpson's - Ha Ha! <--
We would like to introduce you to another concept. First we brought you the concept of a gold raving, and this time we introduce "Goeffel" (pronounce: goe as the go in golf, and ffel as the word fill or the name Phil).
This word very simply put is the definition for a chic or a guy that is beyond ugly. Some synonyms for this word are:
Super ugly
Gravel donkey
Swamp thing
Gruck
Goeffel is the word of choice to describe the any chic or guy that would qualify for the bullets above. It is the ugly of the ugly, it does not get any worse than this.
Sometimes you can find one redeeming quality in a person, like maybe she has nice legs, or a nice face etc. You would not use the term goeffel for that person. You could use anyone of the synonyms above, we would prefer if you saved the word goeffel for those instances for when there is nothing left that would be of any interest to anyone.
Having said that though, there is one level worse that goeffel, and than is simply super goeffel. You use this term for when you see someone you immediately feel ill, want to vomit or your family jewels run and hide (guys you know that feeling). I have to admit in my years I have seen many a goeffel, but only 1 or 2 super goeffels. These are when nothing on earth could help and even a beggar would feel sick at the sight of that person.
Right pro ravers, go out enjoy and use the new words freely.
2009 is going to be the best year yet! We finally have our first revenge ravings! Before we start let me remind you that one of our rules here is no names. We try our best, but sometimes the rules can be bended slightly.
Our raving starts like this:Sometime ago we were submitted a raving on a person. While we would love to tell you what the raving is about it would divulge the identity of the raver.
In my opinion there two main ingredients that go into a really good raving – timing and detail. That is, a raving executed at the wrong time will just fall flat and not be funny, likely setting you up to be raved upon. Similarly, choosing the right amount of detail in your wording is equally important.
Some people choose to always go the whole nine yards, spill all the beans and leave the victim completely exposed and wrecked. While this is the goal of some, I prefer to go a different route. I always try to rave in such a way that the person can redeem themselves at that time or another in the future. The person should be able to learn from what they have done that was so stupid. This could be done by telling them gently in private (which may have its place) or by making them feel the idiocy of their actions semi-publicly. Either way, they should get the message that what was done/said is not and should not be done by intelligent people. Indiscriminately ripping into individuals who simply can not help their capacity is border line cruelty and should only be allowed under very special circumstances (if at all).
Despite having said this, it is not uncommon for such individuals to not quite grasp the implications of a softer raving, requiring the raver to turn up the heat a bit. If you find yourself in such a position, turn up the heat gradually until they get the point. A case in point was a certain individual in our office who made the same type of jokes every day. For anonymity’s sake, I won’t mention what the jokes were. This particular guy, let’s call him Jason, was consistently tacitly raved upon, yet he took it as encouragement to continue. It took a very tactful raving by a resident professional (not myself), letting him have it in front of the entire office at a luncheon to shut him up. He has not given those daily jokes since.
So, next time you are going to give a good raving, analyse each case carefully and see if you can’t nip it in the bud for the person with a gentle, yet stern, raving first. If their cerebral cortex resists such gentle nudges to change their behaviour, then begin increasing the dosage.
Lets hope you all have some excellent ravings with which to share with the pro ravings team. Let's make 2009 the best year yet. Keep reading, keep sending us your blogs and let's keep RAVING!
Be sure to check out our poll for your new years resolution poll.
2008 was a great year for us. The blog was started in August and since then we have had over 800 hits! A big thank you to all our readers.
Our last poll which wanted to know who of you thought the best raver was, ended in a tie. Both Jim Halpert (The Office US version) and Ari Gold (Entourage) both ended up with the same scores. I must say I thought that Ari would have won by a mile, but clearly some of that geeky charm of Jim has rubbed off on some of you.
Its the festive season now and we wanted to wish all of you a merry xmas and a happy new year. We would also just like to remind you that New years is the perfect time to find a raving.
2009 is around the corner, and there will be some big changes on the horizon for pro ravings. Keep reading, keep sending in your ravings and lets get more people in 2009 into the pro raving mindframe!
Firstly we all know that some adverts are targeted at specific audiences. Secondly we also know that sometimes a simple English translation sometimes skews the original meaning totally. Some of the funny ones I've heard of are Fu King Chinese Restaurant, Coolpis Juice or the The Good Testes Wine and Dine. I'm sure you can think of many others. I just have to wonder whether the marketing departments of these products or places take into account other possible translations, not only language, of their advertisements.
Our raving starts like this:
Johannesburg is a very diverse and liberal city. So one shouldnt be surprised when one sees transvestites or people of the same sex holding hands. I was walking through a Pick 'n Pay and waiting for Gesh while he was in a queue. I decided to lean on a counter to wait. On the counter there was a fridge with energy drinks. I didn't take notice of the picture on the fridge at first after about 10 minutes I looked at again and was a bit disturbed by what I saw:
Now one has really got to wonder what went through the minds of the marketing team that did this. Are they targeting a niche market ? Did they really intend for a purple man with their products to be standing behind a yellow leper in such an awkward position ? I can honestly say its adverts like these that make me NOT wanna buy the sellers products ! What do guys think ? Am I being too harsh ? Or am I reading into a totally innocent advert and making something out of nothing ? All I 'm saying is that I wanted to stick an R18 sticker on that fridge before I walked out of that store.
-->In the words of Nelson from the Simpsons – Ha Ha<--
I have come across an inside source which has informed me that Sabc is doing its own production of the popular series Entourage. They are using a local known Superstar and the series will be based on his Hollywood lifestyle. I am struggling to get the Pilot episode, so if you come across it, please mail me. I did however manage to get a poster from Sabc...Have a look..
--> In the words of Nelson from the Simpsons - Ha Ha! <--
This raving was inspired by our most recent poll, where half of you said that you were professional ravers just like us. Its all fine and well thinking that you are a professional like us, after all you need confidence in order to do what we do. But here is an example to show you just how quickly pro ravers can pounce!
Our raving starts like this:
It was a simple gtalk conversation between Todd and one of his friends called "Beaver". Now Beaver got all excited about something as you will see and decided that he was going to try and just be difficult and obnoxious for no reason. Have a look at the picture below and see how quickly Todd destroyed him! (Click on picture to enlarge it)
Do you think you could do what Todd did? Convince someone in a matter of moments that what they so adamantly believed was ridiculous and make them feel silly? Write to us if you think you can, because we would love to hear it!
Peter pan, LOL
--> In the words of Nelson from the Simpsons - Ha Ha! <--
I think that it’s very important that you are all made aware of this concept. When Gesh and Todd asked to me write about this, I thought it was very appropriate, since I was the one who introduced them to the idea of a “gold” raving.
Having “gold” means that you have come across some information that would devastate the person you have it on. It would be like knowing a deep dark secret that that person has. It’s the type of thing people would write in their diaries, or share with only close and trusted friends. It’s the type of thing that if everyone knew, would really ruin, embarrass and destroy their social interactions. For example, let’s say that I knew that someone lied about having a girlfriend, but everyone else believed.
What to do once you have got “gold”:
Never just use it! It must be saved for those really rare occasions when it would do the most damage. It is the type of thing that more often than not will never be mentioned by a professional raver. Why? Because we have the ability to draw on the situation for ravings and diss people in that fashion. We would never find ourselves in a place where we didn’t have a comeback. BUT for instances when this does happen, then you may use it.
Don’t share it with some, share it with all! In other words, don’t tell some of your friends what the “gold” is that you have. Keep it secret, as the less people that know about it, the more effective it will be when you use it. For example think of a crowd of 10 people, now imagine that 5 of them know the “gold” before you divulge it. Now imagine the type of reaction you would get from the crowd if only 2 people knew about!
I’m sure you all have heard of the comedian, Russell Peters? In one of his shows he talks about how some guy called him a f***en bl*wj*b! He goes on to say that “can you imagine being called a f***en bl*wj*w? Do you realise that if someone calls you that, there is no good comeback?!!” Well if he had “gold” on that person that would have been the comeback that he could have used.
To summarise, keep “gold” a secret. Do not share it with your friends. And don’t be drawn into using it when people diss your family or mom etc. Rise to the occasion and just know that one day when you do play it, it will devastate that person.
Regards – Jayesh Mitha
Big thanks to the Professional raving team of Gesh and Todd for letting me do this. Keep supporting this blog and if you want to know more about me check out www.jayeshmitha.co.za
Hey guys, we are so excited to inform that we will be introducing special guest blogger every month. This will be another chance for you to participate with professional ravings. These special guests will discuss concepts of raving, why they are important and how to deliver them. Or they could share their own personal experience with us. Either way it will be an informative discussion, with comical elements of course!
If you would like to be our special guest blogger, please send your request and proposed topic to proravings@gmail.com. We should point out that you need not have submitted a raving previously to be our special guest blogger.
Our special guest bloggers for 2008:
1) DJ Jayesh Mitha – He will be discussing the concept of a “gold” raving. (October) 2) Kyle Walker - Still waiting for confirmation from this person of their topic. (November) 3) David Ambler – Topic to be confirmed later. (December)
Get ready, our first special guest – DJ Jayesh Mitha – his post will be up on Tuesday!
In the meantime, don’t forget to submit your ravings to proravings@gmail.com, we would love to hear them!
Big thanks to SOLDIERBOI for this raving! First the impaled imbecile and now this, keep up the ravings! – Gesh
The year 2004… I had just finished varsity the previous year, which meant this was the first year for my friends and I in the “real world”. Let me introduce my friends Mr. Bengal and Mr. “Half this, half that”. Mr. Bengal is a small thin, and chilled out dude. Mr. “Half this, half that” is an emo (google that definition if you like) and a self proclaimed player.
We arrived in on Friday morning, where we met up with Mr.”Half this, half that”. He chauffeured us to his flat, where we were staying. Upon arrival, we met his first flat mate – Mrs. D. a super girl, who later that evening taught us a really hilarious song about Diarrhoea (please don’t ask). So there we were, Mr. Bengal, Mr., “Half this, half that” and I, chilling on this Friday afternoon in Jozi:
Our raving starts like this:
Mr.” Half this, half that” stayed with Mrs. D, her brother and his fiancé, whom we had not met yet and that particular night Mrs. D, has brought her friend home from the club as well, so we had a packed house approximately seven people! Mr. Bengal and I were going to shack in the lounge on an inflatable bed for the evening, which we did, and did peacefully until around 5:30 am …
When out of nowhere, Mr. Bengal, unleashed an unearthly scream…. something along the lines of those T-Rex roaring sounds you hear in movies … something reminiscent of The Exorcist. Can you just imagine, hearing this horrific scream in the middle of the night, when the rest of the house is dead quiet. It sounded like someone was being attacked, by their worst nightmare!
Anyway Mrs. D's brother tried to be the hero, after hearing the screams from hell he leapt out of bed, only to slip and fall and fracture his coccyx! Now you have to feel for the guy, but honestly can you just picture someone running down the hall and slipping on a banana peel? Because that’s really what it looked like. He immediately got up as if to pretend like nothing happened and that he was ok. What followed next is something you only see in comedy movies. Honest to god, he then ran straight into the bedroom door and back down again! I was trying to contain myself, so I put my face in the pillow and just began to laugh as hard as I could, while trying to remain as quiet as I could.
By now Mrs. D and friend, who were terrified firstly from the ghastly sounds of underworld and the secondly from acrobatic acts of her brother, had woken up.
Mr. ”Half this, half that”, eventually woke up and ran to the lounge to find Mr. Bengal and I peacefully asleep, completely unaware of the past five minutes commotion. Mrs. D's brother abruptly woke Mr. Bengal and asked he was ok. Mr. Bengal woke up in a haze and wondered why there were five people staring over him. He sincerely claimed he didn’t know a thing about what they were talking about! I mean honestly people, how can you let out such a loud scream and not know anything about it? Please if this has happened to you or someone you know, write to proravings@gmail.com and tell them about it.
The whole time I was asleep next to Mr. Bengal, and just killing myself at the commotion his screams had created.
To conclude, Mrs.' D's friend immediately left, as she was convinced that there was some satanic stuff going on. Mr. “Half this, half that” tells me she has never slept over ever again. Mrs. D's brother made a full recovery, although he says he cannot forget that frightening, spine tingling howl! And finally Mr. Bengal, to this day, claims he does not remember what possessed him to shriek the way he did. And thinks that we made the whole story up.
-->In the words of Nelson from the Simpsons – Ha Ha<--
PS – We at proravings would like to hear the Diarrhoea song please!
When you live in the city, it’s not often that you are graced with the presence of animals running wild. In most cases you see the odd squirrel, or lizard. At our offices the one day I saw a rabbit. Naturally I thought perhaps it escaped from captivity, but otherwise I thought nothing else of it.
Our raving starts like this:
To my surprise most people in the office had seen the rabbit, as it had been a regular visitor on our grounds for the past week. Anyway one day BananaNippleLover came to the office with a carrot. Curious as to why she brought it, I asked her what’s with the carrot. She indicated that it was to feed the rabbit. Everyone in the office burst out laughing. But that’s not the end of our raving, it gets worse.
Later on that day another office colleague who does not sit in the general office, saw her walking with the carrot again. Once again he asked what was the carrot for? BananaNippleLover: It’s for the rabbit Co-worker: You know it is a common misconception that rabbits like carrots, they prefer leafy vegetables!
Her next response is the whole reason we started this blog. Its to point out and make fun of those imbeciles who have no idea about the real world and are just completely oblivious in their small worlds.
Co-worker: You know it is a common misconception that rabbits like carrots, they prefer leafy vegetables! BananaNippleLover: But Bugs Bunny eats carrots!
Oh my god! How silly can you possibly be? Since when did anything in cartoons relate to reality? So does she believe that a coyote always chases a road runner ? Or that the Tasmanian devil spins around in a vicious cyclone manner whenever it moves around?
Do you think that if they had made bugs bunny eat bananas, that she would believe that’s what rabbits like to eat?
Anyway the whole office again crashed themselves laughing, she brought a carrot because bugs bunny eats carrots!
--> In the words of Nelson from the Simpsons – Ha Ha <--
We're not sure that you all have seen or heard of this story, but we feel this imbecile deserves a space on this blog. These pics courtesy of Soldierboi, thanks alot.
Please be advised that the following material may be disturbing to some viewers, the pictures are of a graphic nature and you have been warned.
Our raving starts like this:
This dude tried to break into the East London Museum. We honestly would like to know what the hell he was trying to steal from a museum in the first place? Maybe he was a good samaritan trying to return the coelacanth back to the ocean or he was hungry and thought the worlds only dodo egg, would do? Anyways when the alarm tripped he used his ninja skills to scale a tree and to leap over a fence...
What was really funny was the fact that the tow truck driver who arrived on the scene called the POLICE and not the AMBULANCE first!
--> In the words of Nelson from the Simpsons - Ha Ha <--
(Professional ravings, blogspot and other affliates associated with this blog are not responsible for any emotional trauma you may have felt while viewing the pictures) Read the Daily Dispatch article here:
In order to fully appreciate the stupidity of this raving you need to first understand some basic terms associated with Physics.
Friction is the force resisting the relative motion of two surfaces in contact or a surface in contact with a fluid (e.g. air on an aircraft or water in a pipe). It is not a fundamental force, as it is derived from electromagnetic forces between atoms and electrons, must be found empirically. When contacting surfaces move relative to each other, the friction between the two objects converts kinetic energy into thermal energy, or heat. Friction should not be confused with traction. Surface area does not affect friction significantly, but in traction it is essential. Traction refers to the friction between a drive member and the surface it moves upon, where the friction is used to provide motion. – (Definition provided by Wikipedia)
Mass is defined as the amount of matter an object has. The weight of an object on earth depends on the force of attraction (gravity) between the object and earth. For example your mass remains the same on earth as it would be on the moon; however your weight would be different. – (Definition provided by Wikipedia)
Having been a student of the biological sciences for many, I was aptly aware of these principles. But one Friday afternoon, I had been given a completely different interpretation of them, which made me suspicious of the education system altogether.
Our raving starts like this:
I, along with many of my high school colleagues, had attended university in a different city than where our high school was located. Naturally there were those that required lifts from the university to home on weekends. Since I had a car, I was always willing to give a lift to those in need. One Friday afternoon I was asked by Ikasas if I could give her a lift home, and of course I obliged.
Since we had left later than usual we were stuck in rush hour traffic. The traffic was slow and steady until we got to the bridge over the river. As soon as we were on the bridge, traffic came to a stand still as the cars were bumper to bumper. It was then that Ikasas began to panic, and I mean panic. She started getting jittery in her seat, saying “oh my God, oh my God”.
I asked what the matter was, to which she replied “the bridge is going to collapse.” Now I got worried… did she know something that I didn’t??? So in a more elevated state of concern, I asked again what the matter was.
To my absolute amazement this was the answer I got: “The cars on the bridge are coming to a stop. The weight is going to make the bridge collapse!!” It was at that point that I almost burst out laughing, but I just had to ask “How do you figure that?!”
And just when you thought it couldn’t get worse, Ikasas replied: “Because the friction of the cars on the bridge holds the bridge up!!” She even made the hand motions of riding over her hand and the bridge lifting.
I killed myself laughing; I mean how is that possible?? Firstly, since when does your weight increase when you stop moving? Secondly, the force friction does not hold up a bridge, that concept in itself is ludicrous. What possible logic does that follow?
Anyway after I managed to get myself together I managed to explain everything to her. To this day, I still think that she is scared of bridges.
--> In the words of Nelson from the Simpsons – Ha Ha <--
Soccer is probably the most popular sport in the world. But according to our experience it isn't always the safest; especially when vicious and malicious tackles are made. If you've seen these on TV then you will know that some players deserve an Academy Award for their displays of pain.
Our raving begins like this:
It was a normal sunny day. This usually called for a sporting event in someone's backyard. We played anything from cricket, soccer, basketball and even American football. One of these days, a vertically challenged guy, let's call him Midge, from down the road, invited himself to one of the soccer games. Just think of a kangaroo, this dude is just like one. He always wore this one pair of funny moccasins.
Then there's Hasmook. Another vertically challenged friend, who was born with a mustache (but that’s another raving for another time). The game started and the guys were sweating after like five minutes. While some of us took a rest, Midge and Hasmook confronted each other in a dribble, and in a split second Hasmook fell to the ground …. and as usual the game carried on.
Hasmook started screaming! Cries of "Get up you moron" were shouted. It was only till Hasmook started crying that the guys actually stopped to see what the matter was. He was murmuring something about his right leg. To everyone’s surprise, we found out that Midge had kicked Hasmook’s kneecap off!!
When the other guys came back they saw Hasmook on the floor and asked if he was okay, while he was in tears and screaming. After a while, Hasmook’s parents arrived and straight away his mother asked: "Hasmook! What happened??" Now being one of the guys, you'd think that he would handle it like a man, without hesitation he says: "Midge kicked me!"
The neighbour from next door was called who happened to be a doctor. He came and tried to physically push the kneecap back into place. Hasmook screamed like a girl once again. Once he was loaded into the car, the doctor did not notice his shoe still sticking out. The guys held back their laughter as the doctor started banged the door against his foot, as he tried to close the door!!
Eventually we found out that Hasmook was dribbling the ball, Midge came in to make a challenge and somehow managed to kick his kneecap. Now how short do you have to be to have a simple dribbling challenge turn into a medical emergency? I mean even if Hasmook was wearing shin guards, they still would not have helped. Moral of the story? Don't play soccer with midgets, because you might just kick their kneecaps out!!
Furthermore, how did the doctor slam the door on his foot afterwards? That’s like two ravings for the price of one!
--> In the words of Nelson from the Simpsons – Ha Ha <--
Our last poll asked you if you would like to know the real names of the imbeciles that we rave on in this blog. Believe it or not, from the total votes that were cast, an undecided result was obtained. All four voting choices each received the same amount of votes.
As a result we have posted the new poll, which is a little more specific. Let's hope we get a result this time.
Before we start I would just like to thank the person for emailing us this raving. It’s greatly appreciated; remember if you would like your raving posted feel free to send us an email at proravings@gmail.com
In Indian religious celebratory ceremonies there is one particular dance type called a “garba”. What this entails is people singing and dancing around in a circle, while they clap in timing with the music. Sometimes to create a more festive atmosphere wooden sticks are hit together in time with the music. The wooden sticks are coloured and decorated.
Our raving starts like this:
There was a young guy (Bingi) in the Indian community who was so excited for the Indian celebration coming up because he decided to volunteer to be a part of the “garba” group. Bingi was 18 yrs old and wanted to show off his skills. He was so nervous about his upcoming performance that we didn’t see him for days.
Finally the big day came, and Bingi was all excited. When it came to the singing and dancing we couldn’t stop laughing because Bingi wasn’t able to keep in sync with everyone else. Afterwards the elders congratulated on his performance, but Bingi wasn’t happy. So we asked why he didn't look pleased about his dancing, he said that they gave him the wrong sticks. Everyone was confused because only the wooden sticks were handed to everyone.
His response was no he was expecting metal sticks and that’s why he had practiced every morning at 6am with screwdrivers! The guys were crashing themselves when he said this. Then he still went on to say it was because he liked that metallic sound when he hit them together !
We as pro-ravers can assure you that the “garba” dance has never been performed with metal rods. And the fact that Bingi got up at 6am to practice his dance with screwdrivers makes you wonder what on earth he was thinking !
-->In the words of Nelson from the Simpsons – Ha Ha<--
The English language sometimes has a funny way of expressing things. Why the hell do people say things like “Stop beating around the bush” when “Stop f***ing around” is so much easier to say and is more effective? In school we are forced to learn idioms in an attempt to make us more aware of the different aspects of the English language. This in turn helps us not look like idiots when we hear them. Unfortunately there are some people who will try to use these expressions to sound intelligent but I guess it doesn’t always work out …
Our raving begins like this:
My brother and his friend Boobs (aptly named so, due to his feminine shaped chest) had just finished writing their English paper and I thought I’d just skim through it, to see what they are teaching our “bright young leaders of tomorrow”. For most part it was just the usual stuff, until I came across a diagram that looked something like this:
My brother saw me pause at that question and he said “I really didn’t know wtf that was supposed to be”. So I asked him what he wrote, and he said he left it blank.
It was at that point when Boobs killed himself laughing and said “HAHAHAHA your brother is so stupid, he left it blank!!!! It’s SOOO easy!!!!” It was at this point, when I felt like … dammit hell … he says it’s so easy and I’m not sure what the answer is!!
So I started thinking and after a few moments I said, “Is it talking over someone’s head? As if you don’t understand what they’re saying?”
Boobs burst out laughing again and he says “Nah Todd you and your brother are both dumbasses.”
So I ask him wtf is it then?? I didn’t expect Boobs’ superb answer of: “Talk to the hand, cos the face aint listening!!!”
Really now, how did he figure that was the answer based on the figure above. I assure you that the figure is exactly as it was in the exam paper and I don’t see a hand! Do you? If you have any idea as to how he came to that conclusion, please comment on this raving. We would love to get your thoughts and interpretations on this picture and how Boobs came to his answer.
Anyway my brother and I were in tears!!! I found out that I did have the right answer … and Boobs was the idiom idiot!!
-->In the words of Nelson from the Simpsons – Ha Ha<--
Hardly a day goes by without someone showing how dumb some people can be. It is our job to make these people stand out. And to make sure that other people laugh at them too.
How do you feel? Nauseous? Wish you had never checked the blog? Welcome friends to the concept of goeffel and super goeffel. Thanks to our GOEFFEL OF THE MONTH!
